Ask Stephen Merchant

Anonymous asked: All right, I'm just going to put these here and sit and wait until someone ponies up the cash for these puppies. Pizza ain't cheap, asshole.

Stephen frowns sharply, nostrils flaring. “Then you’ll be waiting for a long time. Pizza’s gonna go cold.”

Anonymous asked: Don't play me, man. I've got 60 pizzas here, and someone's got to pay for them.

Well it won’t be me!

akuromashair-deactivated2012041 asked: /Pat pat/ It's alright bro. You're jus' goin' mad, that's all. Nothin' special.

Am I going mental in my old age?

lottielovesreading:

She looks up, smiling at his smile. Hesitant, but still smiling. “Thank you, Mr.Merchant…It’s nice to know I could help you!” She takes a few more gulps before placing the cup down on the desk. “S-So, other than…That incident, did you have a nice day?”

Not looking up at her, Stephen shrugs. His attention is lazily placed on the coffee cup, of which the tip of his index was running about it’s rim. Steam curls up and around his curving wrist. “Not really.” He finally answers, slipping his fingers into the handle. “But it hasn’t been bad, either.”

Anonymous asked: Pizza delivery for a mister... Mechant?

Sorry? I didn’t order any pizza.

akuromashair-deactivated2012041 asked: u ok lanky?

I’ve been better.

lottielovesreading:

“Yes, Mr.Merchant” She walks over to the coffee machine, pouring him and herself some fresh coffee. Flinching slightly at his choice of words. “…Thank you, Mr.Merchant…” She walks back over, handing him a cup of coffee and sitting back down, taking her own and sipping a little. “I am glad you are feeling rather positive about the current events…” RUDE BASTARD. Her mind seemed to scream at her. Although she decided to give him a break, he had a rough day after all…

He takes the coffee with a polite “thank you,” nodding before he sips, only to withdraw, sweeping his burning tongue over his lips. Stephen laughs at himself, setting the cup down on the desk beside him. “I only feel better because I have people like you helping me out.” He says with a clear smile, the first one he’s truly shown all day.

lottielovesreading:

“Thank you, Mr.Merchant, you have no appointments scheduled just yet thankfully.”  Her behaviour is far different from her usual self, she gulps down another coffee rapidly. “Would you like some coffee, Mr.Merchant? Or perhaps some other warm beverage?”

Grabbing a chair, he pulls it up next to you and takes a seat with a huff, allowing himself to relax for the first time today. “I’d love some coffee. I must say, Lottie, you can be tolerable under these circumstances. Well, perhaps not tolerable, maybe even… like-able.” He taps at his chin, still not quite satisfied with his choice of words. “In any case, I like this.”

and i will turn on submit just for you bb

That’s brilliant, mate, thanks, really, you don’t know how boring it is up here~

trust me you would have to actively put forth serious effort for me to find you annoying

A-Alright.

I’ll hang around your blog for a while, c-can’t say how long for exactly, I mean, space being space, I might get smashed to bits or- uhm, I, uh, I’ll hang around for a while.